_ 40 _

This week I turn 40.

Not only 40 weeks pregnant, but also 40 years in age.


Actually I feel a bit immobile and restricted due to the pregnancy, but in general I am happy to say, that I feel better year by year, subhanallah.
I feel (most of the time) very comfortable with aging, not as scared about it any more like a few years before.
I feel very ok with greyer hair, age spots, more wrinkles and the signs of becoming more mature, alhamdulillah.
I feel more confident and comfortable with my self, my body, my character (strengths and weaknesses); stronger, freer, and much less dependent on other’s opinion.
It is a good feeling, subhanallah, and having so many older and wiser women friends, I know that these can become the best years of my life, up until seventy and more, inchaallah.

Thank you Mama, Oma, Doris, Ursula, Dorothee, Christine, Tante Trudel, Fadma Aissa, Mel, Khadija (the Prophet’s first wife), Audrey Hepburn, Louise Hay, Indira Ghandi, Fuesun Holder, Mother Theresa, Byron Katie, and all the other beautiful and wise woman whom I know, who inspire me or whom I met in my life.

blessed be you all – no matter what age!! 

other posts of mine on growing and getting older:  https://ittosjournal.wordpress.com/2014/02/08/the-beauty-of-age/




Positive Birth Thoughts

Since yesterday I retired myself into maternity leave. My body needs calm and rest now, more than ever before.
I feel the birth is close, sometimes so close that I think it will happen the same day, knowing that these urges still are Braxton-Hicks-contractions and due-date ist still a few weeks away…

I think a lot about the birth and am once again very impressed about how different each pregnancy feels, how each baby change my sensations and inner feelings in his own unique way and how it all remains so unpredictable.

I remember the other four births and especially the beauty, strenght and peace during labour with our last two children, alhamdulillah – I think those were the most powerful and blessed moments in my life:


…and I plan and prepare everything for a smoothe homebirth inchaallah. 
This requires work on my inner beliefs and hidden fears.
I visualize positive, I read Sura Meryam (Qur’an 19), eat dates and pray, but I also organize the necessary material and space (especially to keep warm during labour and after birth), I prepare clothes, diapers, a hospital bag in case of emergencies, I inform our children about details of birth and look for people I feel comfortable with, to instruct them as care-providers for the kids and when I am in labour and childbed…
and I try to put all my tust in Allah, that He will give me the strength and the chance to experience once again one of those wonderful unassisted childbirths, full of magic, bliss and joy, inchaallah.

“If you have had a positive birth and you are feeling good about it, then you will often feel completely energised and brilliant in the days after you have had your baby. – Women need to hear this message too as well as getting information about what might be unpleasant or what might go wrong.”
Milli Hill

some inspiration and support:

Laura Shanley’s “Unassisted Childbirth”-book

Ina May Gaskin’s Book “Spiritual Midwifery”

Sarah Buckley’s book: Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering

an this one from Sarah Haydock 

this book from Milli Hill 

and this from Anita Evensen 

and these stories collected by Shannon Brown




growing, waiting, getting ready

soon  …  or still six or more weeks to wait ?!

I feel ready, inchaallah, and more and more tired…
I feel the phase beginning when you really get ready to be a mum to a newborn,
to give out the baby to the world, to welcome him in your live,
to allow  him to become part of the family (more than he already is now)…
but I know very well, that this phase can take quiet a while, it can “cook you until you are really soft”, almost angry, and not ready to wait any longer, but truly ready for the last painful pressing you have to do to free him and yourself…

I pray, and imagine, and prepare the last things…

and I wish myself, my family and you, dear friends and readers, a very blessed new year of 2018, full of blessings, beauty and prosperity in every way – may Allah bless us all with His bounty!



Mainz -Graz -Zuerich – Marrakech- and back home

Two weeks are already gone since I came back home from my journey through Europe.
And still, I reminisce in memories … it was great, subhanallah!
It was great to travel alone, to feel myself without distraction, to see how I act alone in a world that was my home years before but is now so far from my everyday-life…

It was great to feel so comfortable and welcomed in Europe, even with a headscarf and alone as a Muslimah – I had only very positive encounters, everywhere, and I felt a real openness and friendliness of the people in Germany, Austria and Switzerland, alhamdulillah. And it was deeply touching and amazing to feel and see the labor, the effort and the energy which our dear partners put into the support of our campus and social project.


We had a great time together and I was really able to enjoy the different countries as kind of a tourist, but also still feeling very much embedded in the culture, like a fish in its waters.
I was amazed by the grey and cloudy winter weather, the warmth inside the heated houses, the green of the forests, but also by the beautiful Christmas lights and decoration everywhere, the smell of cinnamon roasted almonds and gingerbread, and about the quality and the huge choice of so many aesthetic things, of all the fair-trade and eco products and the material-beauty everywhere. I sometimes felt like Alice in Wonderland, and I really enjoyed being in the land of plenty…

But after two weeks it also felt very good to come home again – Home to our simple life in the remote mountains of Morocco.
It felt so reassuring to have a place where I really belong to, Allahu akbar, to know where my place, my duties and my job is; To feel the safe harbor of my closest family, the love of my children, the loving attention of my husband who took care of them during my absence, subhanallah, the diligence and sense of responsibility of my whole team at school, the quiet of country life and the amazing nature around…. Oh mashaallah, I am so very thankful for and feel so blessed with all of this!

I am grateful for the freedom and possibility to experience such moments and to enjoy the best of both worlds, of Europe and North Africa.


Now winter has also begun here and the birth of our fifth child approaches – I am excited about his coming, inchaallah.
I was able to learn a lot during my training in Germany and I feel ready now to let go things, to delegate and to trust in the capabilities of others who will continue my work at the campus; I feel ready to concentrate myself again on the task of being a mum of a small baby, inchaallah.
On to new adventures and ready for everything that might come, inchaallah!

Happy to be back here – sending love, light and peace to you xxx



challenging, developping, nourishing myself


wow, subhanallah, I feel alive – alhamdulillah, and very deeply thankful for having the chance of travelling to Europe by myself, just before the birth of our next little baby.
It has been 14 years (! ! ! ), I haven`t been on a travel without anybody on my side, never really been ALONE for more than a day…
I enjoy feeling, hearing, acting and re-defining my self in my homecountry, feeling again where I come from, being now so very different, little strange, yet still the same… mashaallah, very mixed feelings, a lot of growth, inner development, learning and the joy and blessing of meeting very inspirational people.
Maybe we can also meet? … I´ll be soon in Austria, Graz, and would love to see you there !

xxx love, peace and light to you dear all.



Life is beautiful. Everything is well in my world.

This post I write in memory of Louise L. Hay who died yesterday at the age of 90.
I count her as one of the most important teachers in my life.

Although her teachings are not all convenient with my Muslim faith (I exclude these parts or replace for example words like “the universe” with “Allah”) and also not all her teachings were really new (sometimes a repetition of what other great people, even Muslim thinkers, already pronounced before her) she had a unique beautiful way to put things into words, very easy to understand and easy to apply.
She found the right words to explain things and to touch my inner system.

I really would suggest all of her books, calendars, etc.
When I was in a very difficult time of inner growth and development, about seven years ago, it was mainly through her writings (beside the Qur’an) God guided me to healing, hope and acceptance, alhamdulillah.

And until today, her books and affirmations accompany me through my every day.
I am very, very thankful to have been able to learn, through her inspiration, about:


The power of thoughts.

The healing and creative effects of positive thinking.

That life is a mirror of my inner beliefs.

That I always have the freedom to choose my own perception and thoughts.

That I first have to love myself before I am able to give love to others.

How to love and accept, myself and others.

To be good to myself.

How to treat myself well and how to accept the best for myself.

How to nourish my inner child, to forgive and release the past.

To cherish my God-given talents and gifts.

To use my God-given power to create everything possible.

To feel love, safety and trust instead of fear and doubt.

To feel courageous and competent.


To trust in divine destiny and that everything is and gets well.


other circumstances

It was the one thing I was just not prepared for, at all.
It was what we had planned and expected the least. Never.
We have been very happy and really busy enough with four kids and our growing school project, alhamdulillah.
I was happy to gain back more and more freedom, now that they were all growing older. After nearly fourteen years of being pregnant, breastfeeding, diaper-changing and caring for very small children, even the smallest one shows, with his four years of age now, already large amounts of independence.
So I enjoyed myself so much in just having sometimes a few hours alone, in being able to travel a few days without children, in engaging in bigger projects outside the home, in being myself, thinking about myself and being just with myself.


And then this:
menses already ten days over, a tearing belly, knowing that this might not be just an early menopause-symptom,… and the result of the test: positive!!!!
Pregnant with the fifth child!

Oh—my–God. It just cannot be possible, mashaallah. It cannot!

A whole world of dreams and plans broke over me. I felt weak, and old, and imprisoned, and forced into something I just was not ready for.
Astaghfirullah. Lord, forgive me, make it easy for me…
It was horrible, I immediately began to feel very sick, uncomfortable, tired, miserable, with no joy in anything and ready to vomit every moment.
Scenarios of having a big pregnancy belly, giving birth and holding a baby came to my mind like horror and it just felt so strange, so far away, and so not at all me any more, I thought I was over all of this.

Towards the outside world I didn’t’ show these thoughts.
I hid it, the pregnancy and my awkward feelings. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I maybe looked like I’ve got it all together, but inside, I felt like standing ankle deep in crap.
I first had to make peace with it myself.
I had to learn how to find the magic and wonder in this mess, in becoming a small-baby-mother, again. I had to gain back faith and confidence and trust.
I had to learn to surrender in Allah’s will, to be thankful.
I had to learn to accept and to let go, to drop myself and to give up my selfishness, my wish to control and my ego-claims.
I had to accept that I cannot just close our family-door and all the blessings and prosperity we live in, if God wishes us to take this task and to care for another child. I had and I still have to accept this duty.

It took time. These whole summer vacations I spent pondering, meditating and working on this.

I slowly feel better now. I still have some nausea, but I begin to accept the situation and even begin to feel something like joy, honor, gratitude, pride and excitement with it, alhamdulillah.
I begin to accept this mission that was imposed upon me.
I look forward to a house full of children, to a small one who needs us all and who will have his place among our wonderful-crazy family-tribe, inchaallah.

My faith helps me a lot – I just know that everything happens for our highest good.
I find inspiration and encouragement in blogs from moms who have more than seven or ten children, in movies like “cheaper by the dozen” and especially in the belief that destiny (God’s way) is always perfect for us.
And I find joy in the joy of our kids who are eager to welcome the new family-member.

So many wonderful women do and did it, nearly all my neighbors have more than four kids – yes I can, as well, inchaallah.
I still have nearly six months to grow into it, and time will help.

When life gives you lemons – make lemonade!
– Up into this new adventure, into this new learning opportunity, into the joy of being a family of seven!
I mean, honestly, having a full handful of children, being “mom of five”, sounds not so bad at all…