Mainz -Graz -Zuerich – Marrakech- and back home

Two weeks are already gone since I came back home from my journey through Europe.
And still, I reminisce in memories … it was great, subhanallah!
It was great to travel alone, to feel myself without distraction, to see how I act alone in a world that was my home years before but is now so far from my everyday-life…

It was great to feel so comfortable and welcomed in Europe, even with a headscarf and alone as a Muslimah – I had only very positive encounters, everywhere, and I felt a real openness and friendliness of the people in Germany, Austria and Switzerland, alhamdulillah. And it was deeply touching and amazing to feel and see the labor, the effort and the energy which our dear partners put into the support of our campus and social project.

   

We had a great time together and I was really able to enjoy the different countries as kind of a tourist, but also still feeling very much embedded in the culture, like a fish in its waters.
I was amazed by the grey and cloudy winter weather, the warmth inside the heated houses, the green of the forests, but also by the beautiful Christmas lights and decoration everywhere, the smell of cinnamon roasted almonds and gingerbread, and about the quality and the huge choice of so many aesthetic things, of all the fair-trade and eco products and the material-beauty everywhere. I sometimes felt like Alice in Wonderland, and I really enjoyed being in the land of plenty…

But after two weeks it also felt very good to come home again – Home to our simple life in the remote mountains of Morocco.
It felt so reassuring to have a place where I really belong to, Allahu akbar, to know where my place, my duties and my job is; To feel the safe harbor of my closest family, the love of my children, the loving attention of my husband who took care of them during my absence, subhanallah, the diligence and sense of responsibility of my whole team at school, the quiet of country life and the amazing nature around…. Oh mashaallah, I am so very thankful for and feel so blessed with all of this!

I am grateful for the freedom and possibility to experience such moments and to enjoy the best of both worlds, of Europe and North Africa.

 

Now winter has also begun here and the birth of our fifth child approaches – I am excited about his coming, inchaallah.
I was able to learn a lot during my training in Germany and I feel ready now to let go things, to delegate and to trust in the capabilities of others who will continue my work at the campus; I feel ready to concentrate myself again on the task of being a mum of a small baby, inchaallah.
On to new adventures and ready for everything that might come, inchaallah!

Happy to be back here – sending love, light and peace to you xxx

 

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challenging, developping, nourishing myself

 

wow, subhanallah, I feel alive – alhamdulillah, and very deeply thankful for having the chance of travelling to Europe by myself, just before the birth of our next little baby.
It has been 14 years (! ! ! ), I haven`t been on a travel without anybody on my side, never really been ALONE for more than a day…
I enjoy feeling, hearing, acting and re-defining my self in my homecountry, feeling again where I come from, being now so very different, little strange, yet still the same… mashaallah, very mixed feelings, a lot of growth, inner development, learning and the joy and blessing of meeting very inspirational people.
Maybe we can also meet? … I´ll be soon in Austria, Graz, and would love to see you there !

xxx love, peace and light to you dear all.

    

Life is beautiful. Everything is well in my world.

This post I write in memory of Louise L. Hay who died yesterday at the age of 90.
I count her as one of the most important teachers in my life.

Although her teachings are not all convenient with my Muslim faith (I exclude these parts or replace for example words like “the universe” with “Allah”) and also not all her teachings were really new (sometimes a repetition of what other great people, even Muslim thinkers, already pronounced before her) she had a unique beautiful way to put things into words, very easy to understand and easy to apply.
She found the right words to explain things and to touch my inner system.

I really would suggest all of her books, calendars, etc.
When I was in a very difficult time of inner growth and development, about seven years ago, it was mainly through her writings (beside the Qur’an) God guided me to healing, hope and acceptance, alhamdulillah.

And until today, her books and affirmations accompany me through my every day.
I am very, very thankful to have been able to learn, through her inspiration, about:

 

The power of thoughts.

The healing and creative effects of positive thinking.

That life is a mirror of my inner beliefs.

That I always have the freedom to choose my own perception and thoughts.

That I first have to love myself before I am able to give love to others.

How to love and accept, myself and others.

To be good to myself.

How to treat myself well and how to accept the best for myself.

How to nourish my inner child, to forgive and release the past.

To cherish my God-given talents and gifts.

To use my God-given power to create everything possible.

To feel love, safety and trust instead of fear and doubt.

To feel courageous and competent.

Accepting.

To trust in divine destiny and that everything is and gets well.

other circumstances

It was the one thing I was just not prepared for, at all.
It was what we had planned and expected the least. Never.
We have been very happy and really busy enough with four kids and our growing school project, alhamdulillah.
I was happy to gain back more and more freedom, now that they were all growing older. After nearly fourteen years of being pregnant, breastfeeding, diaper-changing and caring for very small children, even the smallest one shows, with his four years of age now, already large amounts of independence.
So I enjoyed myself so much in just having sometimes a few hours alone, in being able to travel a few days without children, in engaging in bigger projects outside the home, in being myself, thinking about myself and being just with myself.

 

And then this:
menses already ten days over, a tearing belly, knowing that this might not be just an early menopause-symptom,… and the result of the test: positive!!!!
Pregnant with the fifth child!

Oh—my–God. It just cannot be possible, mashaallah. It cannot!

A whole world of dreams and plans broke over me. I felt weak, and old, and imprisoned, and forced into something I just was not ready for.
Astaghfirullah. Lord, forgive me, make it easy for me…
It was horrible, I immediately began to feel very sick, uncomfortable, tired, miserable, with no joy in anything and ready to vomit every moment.
Scenarios of having a big pregnancy belly, giving birth and holding a baby came to my mind like horror and it just felt so strange, so far away, and so not at all me any more, I thought I was over all of this.

Towards the outside world I didn’t’ show these thoughts.
I hid it, the pregnancy and my awkward feelings. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I maybe looked like I’ve got it all together, but inside, I felt like standing ankle deep in crap.
I first had to make peace with it myself.
I had to learn how to find the magic and wonder in this mess, in becoming a small-baby-mother, again. I had to gain back faith and confidence and trust.
I had to learn to surrender in Allah’s will, to be thankful.
I had to learn to accept and to let go, to drop myself and to give up my selfishness, my wish to control and my ego-claims.
I had to accept that I cannot just close our family-door and all the blessings and prosperity we live in, if God wishes us to take this task and to care for another child. I had and I still have to accept this duty.

It took time. These whole summer vacations I spent pondering, meditating and working on this.

I slowly feel better now. I still have some nausea, but I begin to accept the situation and even begin to feel something like joy, honor, gratitude, pride and excitement with it, alhamdulillah.
I begin to accept this mission that was imposed upon me.
I look forward to a house full of children, to a small one who needs us all and who will have his place among our wonderful-crazy family-tribe, inchaallah.

My faith helps me a lot – I just know that everything happens for our highest good.
I find inspiration and encouragement in blogs from moms who have more than seven or ten children, in movies like “cheaper by the dozen” and especially in the belief that destiny (God’s way) is always perfect for us.
And I find joy in the joy of our kids who are eager to welcome the new family-member.

So many wonderful women do and did it, nearly all my neighbors have more than four kids – yes I can, as well, inchaallah.
I still have nearly six months to grow into it, and time will help.

When life gives you lemons – make lemonade!
– Up into this new adventure, into this new learning opportunity, into the joy of being a family of seven!
I mean, honestly, having a full handful of children, being “mom of five”, sounds not so bad at all…

 

 

Summer Reading

August – time of vacation, of nothingness, of days spent without timetables and social obligations…
time to read without real purpose, just to the pure pleasure of it.

Some old summer-classics, beautiful Muslim fiction and a new field guide:

Anne Morrow Lindbergh “Gift from the Sea”
Naima B. Robert “She wore red trainers”
Rosamunde Pilcher “The Shell seekers”
Katie Daisy “How to be a Wildflower”

Happy summer days to you!

 

Memories and a Poem

Nearly a month that I didn’t write here – So much that happened over the last weeks at our school. You can read about it at our blog and facebook-site, even around the internet you’ll find different articles and this film talking about our big opening party at the “campus vivant’e”, alhamdulillah.
Now it is getting more quiet around here, Ramadan approaches and a silent fatigue can be felt. The last months were exhausting, yet beautiful.
I’ll share some pictures here and this beautiful German poem a friend gave me – it reflects quiet well some of my thoughts and feelings…

 



KRIEGER DES LICHTS
(Songtext von „Silbermond“) 

Sei wie der Fluß, der eisern ins Meer fließt
Der sich nicht abbringen läßt egal wie schwer’s ist
Selbst den größten Stein fürchtet er nicht
Auch wenn es Jahre dauert bis er ihn bricht
Und wenn Dein Wille schläft, dann weck ihn wieder
Denn in jedem von uns steckt dieser Krieger
Dessen Mut ist wie ein Schwert
Doch die größte Waffe ist sein Herz.

Lasst uns aufstehn
Macht Euch auf den Weg
An alle Krieger des Lichts
An alle Krieger des Lichts
Wo seid Ihr
Ihr seid gebraucht hier
Macht Euch auf den Weg
An alle Krieger des Lichts
An alle Krieger des Lichts
Das hier geht an alle Krieger des Lichts

Hab keine Angst vor Deinen Schwächen
Fürchte nie Deine Fehler aufzudecken
Sei bedacht, beruhigt und befreit
Sei auch verrückt von Zeit zu Zeit
Lass Dich nicht täuschen, auch wenns aus Gold ist
Lass Dich nicht blenden, erst recht von falschem Stolz nicht
Lerne vergeben und verzeihen
Lerne zu fesseln und zu befreien

Lasst uns aufstehn
Macht Euch auf den Weg
An alle Krieger des Lichts
An alle Krieger des Lichts
Wo seid Ihr
Ihr seid gebraucht hier
Macht Euch auf den Weg
An alle Krieger des Lichts
An alle Krieger des Lichts
Das hier geht an alle Krieger des Lichts

Und er kennt seine Grenzen und geht trotzdem zu weit
Kein Glück in der Ferne nachdem er nicht greift
Seine Macht ist sein Glaube
um nichts kämfpt er mehr
Und das immer und immer wieder
Deswegen ist er ein Krieger

Das ist ein Aufruf
Und das hier geht
an alle Krieger
an alle Krieger
Das ist ein Aufruf
Und dieser Aufruf geht
an alle Krieger des Lichts
an alle Krieger des Lichts
Das hier geht an alle Krieger des Lichts

(Danke Fabienne!)

        

Peace, light and love to all of you!