other circumstances

It was the one thing I was just not prepared for, at all.
It was what we had planned and expected the least. Never.
We have been very happy and really busy enough with four kids and our growing school project, alhamdulillah.
I was happy to gain back more and more freedom, now that they were all growing older. After nearly fourteen years of being pregnant, breastfeeding, diaper-changing and caring for very small children, even the smallest one shows, with his four years of age now, already large amounts of independence.
So I enjoyed myself so much in just having sometimes a few hours alone, in being able to travel a few days without children, in engaging in bigger projects outside the home, in being myself, thinking about myself and being just with myself.

 

And then this:
menses already ten days over, a tearing belly, knowing that this might not be just an early menopause-symptom,… and the result of the test: positive!!!!
Pregnant with the fifth child!

Oh—my–God. It just cannot be possible, mashaallah. It cannot!

A whole world of dreams and plans broke over me. I felt weak, and old, and imprisoned, and forced into something I just was not ready for.
Astaghfirullah. Lord, forgive me, make it easy for me…
It was horrible, I immediately began to feel very sick, uncomfortable, tired, miserable, with no joy in anything and ready to vomit every moment.
Scenarios of having a big pregnancy belly, giving birth and holding a baby came to my mind like horror and it just felt so strange, so far away, and so not at all me any more, I thought I was over all of this.

Towards the outside world I didn’t’ show these thoughts.
I hid it, the pregnancy and my awkward feelings. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I maybe looked like I’ve got it all together, but inside, I felt like standing ankle deep in crap.
I first had to make peace with it myself.
I had to learn how to find the magic and wonder in this mess, in becoming a small-baby-mother, again. I had to gain back faith and confidence and trust.
I had to learn to surrender in Allah’s will, to be thankful.
I had to learn to accept and to let go, to drop myself and to give up my selfishness, my wish to control and my ego-claims.
I had to accept that I cannot just close our family-door and all the blessings and prosperity we live in, if God wishes us to take this task and to care for another child. I had and I still have to accept this duty.

It took time. These whole summer vacations I spent pondering, meditating and working on this.

I slowly feel better now. I still have some nausea, but I begin to accept the situation and even begin to feel something like joy, honor, gratitude, pride and excitement with it, alhamdulillah.
I begin to accept this mission that was imposed upon me.
I look forward to a house full of children, to a small one who needs us all and who will have his place among our wonderful-crazy family-tribe, inchaallah.

My faith helps me a lot – I just know that everything happens for our highest good.
I find inspiration and encouragement in blogs from moms who have more than seven or ten children, in movies like “cheaper by the dozen” and especially in the belief that destiny (God’s way) is always perfect for us.
And I find joy in the joy of our kids who are eager to welcome the new family-member.

So many wonderful women do and did it, nearly all my neighbors have more than four kids – yes I can, as well, inchaallah.
I still have nearly six months to grow into it, and time will help.

When life gives you lemons – make lemonade!
– Up into this new adventure, into this new learning opportunity, into the joy of being a family of seven!
I mean, honestly, having a full handful of children, being “mom of five”, sounds not so bad at all…

 

 

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11 thoughts on “other circumstances

  1. Salam alaykom Stephanie. My name is Molly. I’m a very close friend of Hiba. I’ve heard so much about you over the years and have always been so amazed by your story. Mash Allah. So many wonderful things. I only recently started reading your blog. May Allah make it easy for you with this recent surprise and may it bring you much happiness and khair to your already blessed life. Take care and hope to meet you one day inshallah.

  2. Mashallah. Inspired and humbled as always by your gracious attitude. May Allah give you strength and ease. May your family be blessed, always.

  3. Many blessings to come inshaAllah. I loved this post and all the truth you shared. Allah knows how awesome you are and what a great mother/human you are. Everything will be fine and maybe totally different lifestyle with this little one, so much more wisdom and experience gained, things will be much, much easier and organic, inshaAllah. Congratulations.

  4. Dearest Itto, you have just summarized my feelings and my reality at the moment.
    I am pregnant with my 6th child, and it has been a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. It has changed my perception and my life in so many ways.
    May I say congratulations on this new gift (mashaallah)? I know Allah has a plan for your beautiful family.
    I love your work, your stories, and your positive outlook on life.
    Stay blessed!

  5. Zuallererst ein herzlicher Gedanke und Art Willkommensgruss dem kleinen Wesen, das da am Wachsen und entstehen ist. Möge Dein Sein, Dein Leben unter einem guten Stern stehen, möge Deine Lebensaufgabe zum Wohle aller Beteiligten sein und Dir und Deinem Umfeld Freude und Wohlergehen beschert sein. Mögest Du und Dein Umfeld die nötige Kreativität, Kraft und Lebensmut für Deine Lebensaufgabe (n) mit auf den Weg bekommen.

    Liebe Itto, zum Glück ist es ja, meinte ich, so, dass der Körper erst mal 3-Monate lang Emotionale-AchterbahnFahrt-Hormone ausschüttet, dann sich des “Haltens” und zur Ruhe kommen und “in Erwartung” sein, Raum-Oase für das Entstehen sein – zuwendet und so meist die Hormone schenkt für eine Zeit des Frieden schliessens und des Vertrauens ermöglicht bis Frau dann sooo rund ist, dass sie findet, jetzt könnte dann das Kindlein auf die Welt kommen. Die Natur ist einfach unglaublich. Es ist nun “mal so” – mache, macht, machen wir das Beste draus. Es ist ein Wunder – das Wunder des Lebens – immer wieder. Sehen wir es mit diesem magischen Strahlen und nehmen das Kommen und Gehen des Lebens an.

  6. And now, five persons are going to inherit your uniqueness and spread it in the world. I am happy for you and for the humanity. MAY ALLAH THE ALMIGHTY STAND ALWAYS BY YOUR SIDE

  7. Salam alaykoum
    Qu allah t aide dans cette nouvelle aventure. Amin
    Qu Il t acccorde un enfants qui sera une joie pour toute ta famille. Amin
    Je penserai à toi dans cette nouvelle grande aventure!

  8. Mabrook! Don’t worry, you can bear it, we’re never overburdened. We plan but He has better plans for us. It’s another adventure with a new little darling, and mashaAllah you have many hands (some tiny) to help you care for the little one to come. May Allah make your pregnancy an easy one.

  9. God gives us only what we can handle. You seem like such a strong woman with ideas and vision on how to raise a child. There’s no better place to be born than in the warmth of such a mother. You are an inspiration to me and many others. May God bless you, your family and the Umma incha allah..

  10. Mâcha Allah, c’ est une merveilleuse nouvelle, un trésor Qu’ Allah ta’ ala t’ offre une nouvelle fois. Et à présent que tu as fait ton chemin d’ acceptation tu vas pouvoir profiter pleinement de ce nouveau bonheur, al hamdulillah. Qu’ Allah ta’ ala t’ accorde Ses Bienfaits ainsi qu’ à toute ta famille.

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