Sometimes it hurts

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I sit here, reflecting over the recent very touching meeting with a nice professor from Germany, and I want to be alone. Today something inside myself feels sad. I need time to think, time to understand, again and again.

It’s one of these moments when some facts feel heavy and an obvious reality suddenly feels like a punch into the face.
It’s nothing new that hurts today, it’s the fact that our girl is deaf.

This is a fact I learned to accept and live with over the last four years – a situation we try to manage as well as possible, with the help of wonderful professionals and with all the chances of learning and growing within the great structure our own school offers us, alhamdulillah.

But today is one of these days, when sadness overflows and pain overwhelms me.

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It’s the sadness of not being able to communicate fully with our girl.
It’s the fact that she doesn’t hear me well, at least not enough to be together, side by side and chat just as I often do with her older brothers.
It’s the sadness about the fact that maybe 70% of our communication doesn’t reach her, that we always need eye contact to understand each other, and even then, with signs and mimic, still there are so many things I cannot transmit.
It’s also guilt of maybe not doing enough for her and recently also the reinforced doubts about our smallest son’s hearing capability, the suspicion and concern that he as well might be hearing impaired.
It’s the questions about blame and reason, about the “why?” and “how everything will go?”.
It’s one of these moments when my faith and strong belief in God’s wise destiny fell  kind of asleep and when I feel sorry for myself, astaghfirullah.

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I had to share this. For all those who might be in the same situation. Sharing helps. Acknowledging that it’s not always easy. Sometimes sadness arises –  I try to accept the sadness, let the tears flow, welcome the deep feelings, knowing that this too will pass, inchaallah. Everything is well, alhamdulillah.
Peace, friends.

 

 

19 thoughts on “Sometimes it hurts

  1. No,no,no
    Stefanie-Itto:
    not “your” girl is deaf:
    you all others are “deaf”
    try to understand this!

  2. Itto, die Kommunikation kann 100 % stattfinden, wenn alle in deinem Haus die Gebärdensprache erlernt und benutzt. Nicht Ihr Mädchen ist als Einzige taub. Sie wird “behindert”.

  3. Assalamu alaikum sister, I know how you feel at these times but always remember the akhirah of your daughter ma shaa Allah. She might have an excuse on the day of judgment, what about us? May Allah accept your efforts and unite you and your family in Jannah amin!

  4. Liebe Itto, so mutig von Dir, innezuhalten und die Gefühle zuzulassen. Ich wünsche Dir Licht und Segen diese Momente auszuhalten, vorbeiziehen zu lassen und mit Tränengewaschenem Blick und nach dem Vollmond wieder mit neuem Mut einen neuen Tag, einen neuen Moment zuversichtlich beginnen zu können. Du, Ihr macht, was Ihr könnt. Und was Ihr nicht könnt, wird Euch oder Eurer Tochter “gesandt” – in Hinweisen, Begegnungen, Gedanken. Kraft und Vertrauen Euch.

  5. Liebe Itto
    Ich bin immer mal wieder auf deiner Seite, weil ich auch mal Innenarchitektur studiert habe und meine Bruder mit einer Marokkanerin verheiratet ist und wir somit Gemeinsamkeiten haben.
    Nun verdiene ich meine Geld übrigens mit Filzen.
    Meine beiden Tanten waren schwerhörig.
    Kann man denn mit einem Implantat deiner Tochter nicht geholfen werden?
    Ich kann deine Traurigkeit sehr gut verstehen, meine Sohn ist auch behindert. Aber diese Traurigkeit und auch die Sorgen, die man sich macht, sind im Grunde überflüssig. Sie bringen einem nicht weiter.
    Liebe Grüsse
    Katharina

  6. Big hugs to you and your dear daughter. ♥
    You know, God sends these beautiful blessings to us to teach us love. Deep, selfless, pure love.. He sent her to you as she is because He knows you have a big beautiful heart MashaAllah and you will love her no matter what and you will bring out the best in her InshaAllah. You are going to help her shine in the most amazing way and she will serve this ummah in an extraordinary way InshaAllah!! InshaAllah. InshaAllah! ♥♥

  7. Salaam dear Itto, I am sorry for your pain…I don’t know, life is just like this, it hurts sometimes, really badly. I just want you to know I hear you and offer you my love and prayers. Sometimes when undergoing hardship I remind myself that life is unfolding in the most perfect way for our spiritual growth, planned by the best Planners of all! And you and your daughter and your whole family are in the most perfect situation best suited for your growth in the way He intended, and He knows us better than we know ourselves! Embracing the doubt and recognizing pain is a great step in Faith and shows your deep love and devotion. Peace and blessings to you! You are in my du’as🙂 please remember me in yours.

  8. WHO/WHAT is “HE”?
    allaH or allaT?
    IT?
    Although you, Stefanie-Itto,
    has/have to “begin” this “fight” …
    only with words, please

  9. Aassalamalaikum waRahmatullah dear sister Itto,
    May Allah make all your affairs easy for you and your family, and continue to bless you abundantly, ameen. What our sister vmg said, above is true, jazaha Allah khair…
    Please listen to this young lady’s short speech. It’s very inspirational, and fills one with hope: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOLiuLv9U5g Sara Minkara, barakAllahu feeha.
    Wa fi amanillah,
    Aishah.

  10. I think it’s normal to feel lost sometimes. Our faith helps us to face challenges but from time to time we can’t find solace in it. We just need time to release all emotions and feelings. We need to let go of what is keeping us unsafe. And then we can start again.
    Keeping you and your loved ones in my prayers Itto.

  11. dear Stefanie-Itto,
    do you “see”, do you realize:
    we ALL (all over the world/global) try to help you – a little bit
    with love…

  12. Assalamu alaikoum dear Itto,
    May Allah bless your family and bring the many compensations He brings to those who lack hearing or sight or experience other forms of disability.
    The photographs you have taken are very beautiful.

  13. peace be with you Andrea,
    the way how you use your words here are inconvenient for this space of mine;
    this shall be a place of peace and respect.
    and no, I do not want to “fight” with you over your definition of God or something else.
    it is not the first time that your words exceed limits, so I have to block your ability to comment.
    salaam, itto

  14. Salam Itto,
    I was a regular reader years back and somehow forgot about this space and just found it back today. What a touching post. It’s therapeutic to write down our struggles and beneficial for the rest of us to read. So thank you for that, and I pray this post brings healing to your heart and soul. There is no shame in admitting frustrations with tests God gives us. Alhamdulilah. Are you familiar with the hearing transplant surgeries that have been recently available. I’ve seen so many emotional videos of people getting them on youtube. Here’s a link to explain the procedure. http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-cochlear-transplant.htm It’s not cheap but possibly an option to consider if you have the means or maybe can save up for it, or start and gofund me link to help. Here’s a youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsOo3jzkhYA

    Best of luck.Nermine

  15. Assalamu aleykum,

    Je connais ce sentiment, mon fils est atteint d’ une maladie orpheline. Il n’ est pas toujours malade, mais ce sont des crises inflammatoires graves et douloureuses, parfois je ressens un profond désarroi, un épuisement, une tristesse. Nous avons appris à vivre avec la maladie avec les années, il a 10 ans. Courage ma soeur, qu’ Allah ta’ ala t’ accorde le soulagement.

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