I sit here, reflecting over the recent very touching meeting with a nice professor from Germany, and I want to be alone. Today something inside myself feels sad. I need time to think, time to understand, again and again.
It’s one of these moments when some facts feel heavy and an obvious reality suddenly feels like a punch into the face.
It’s nothing new that hurts today, it’s the fact that our girl is deaf.
This is a fact I learned to accept and live with over the last four years – a situation we try to manage as well as possible, with the help of wonderful professionals and with all the chances of learning and growing within the great structure our own school offers us, alhamdulillah.
But today is one of these days, when sadness overflows and pain overwhelms me.
It’s the sadness of not being able to communicate fully with our girl.
It’s the fact that she doesn’t hear me well, at least not enough to be together, side by side and chat just as I often do with her older brothers.
It’s the sadness about the fact that maybe 70% of our communication doesn’t reach her, that we always need eye contact to understand each other, and even then, with signs and mimic, still there are so many things I cannot transmit.
It’s also guilt of maybe not doing enough for her and recently also the reinforced doubts about our smallest son’s hearing capability, the suspicion and concern that he as well might be hearing impaired.
It’s the questions about blame and reason, about the “why?” and “how everything will go?”.
It’s one of these moments when my faith and strong belief in God’s wise destiny fell kind of asleep and when I feel sorry for myself, astaghfirullah.
I had to share this. For all those who might be in the same situation. Sharing helps. Acknowledging that it’s not always easy. Sometimes sadness arises – I try to accept the sadness, let the tears flow, welcome the deep feelings, knowing that this too will pass, inchaallah. Everything is well, alhamdulillah.