Ups and Downs

I felt a bit down yesterday. Being pregnant unfortunately means a lot of changes in my mood… and entering now week 39 probably even a bit more…

It is always so hard to let hubby/daddy go.
He has been here for a very short two days visit with the students I talked about yesterday.
Better than no visit, I would normally say. But today I just have to let out the sadness and frustration that comes from time to time due to our inconstant family-life…
These are the moments I just hate.

I am sometimes so sick of the kind of family life we have to live due to his job.
I am sick of waiting for him so often.
I am sick of feeling alone and to cry on my own from time to time.
I am sick of seeing the kids so sad when he has to leave.
I am sick of dealing with their frustration and mine in the same time, while trying to make them happy and understanding.
I am sick of trying not to show too much of that sadness towards him (not to become a burden and not to discourage him).
I am sick of living with the kids often as a kind of single-mom.
I am sick of managing every-day problems on my own.
I am sick of not being able to share the beauty and joy of daily life and having kids regularly.

I am sick of having to reduce our conversations and personal exchange onto a few minutes phone call every day (ok, sometimes it’s more, but please let’s not talk about the amount of our phone bill…).
I am sick of the instability in our togetherness, the constant changes of “hellos” and “goodbyes”, the breaks in our rhythm or better said: not to have a real rhythm as a family in whole.

I am so sorry for him to see the heavy responsibility he has to carry, to earn money which means to be so far from us.
I am so sorry that he has to be alone and on his own so often.
I am so sorry that he doesn’t see more of the kids growing.
I am so sorry that he has such an inconstant life between here and there out of suitcases.

I am so sorry to know that he always fears about our well-being.
I am so sorry to know that he probably will not to be here for the birth or even the days afterwards…  

I love him so much. But it is not easy to live with someone whose job means a constant coming and going, although I know it could be much worse and I do not hate that life in general.
I am so thankful to have such a loving husband.
I am so thankful that he cares for us wherever he is, no matter how much work he has.
I am so thankful to feel his support even when he is away.
I am thankful that he tries the maximum possible to be with us.
I am thankful that he has a good job.
I am thankful to be blessed with kids and a beautiful home in a great place to live.
I am thankful to have his lovely family and a community around.
I am thankful for all the chances, the love, the good, the freedom, peace and the beauty we are blessed to live.

Subhanallah oua alhamdulillah!

So please my Lord, forgive me this grumbling and complaint, astafirghullah, provide me with patience and gratitude, and bless him with inner peace and the consciousness that our hearts are always with him. Ameen.

blumenvase rosen rot erdbeerkuchen mit gelee
That helps a bit: roses from hubby and again some fresh homemade strawberry cake


12 thoughts on “Ups and Downs

  1. Liebe Itto,
    ich kann Deine Frustration gut verstehen. Man denkt sich so oft, warum ist jer jtzt genau in diesem Moment nicht hier? Jetzt wo mein Sohn dieses oder jenes zum ersten Mal macht oder kann oder sagt. Bleibt nur die Hoffnung, dass es eines Tages besser wird und Dein Mann von zu Hause aus einen Teil der (Büro)-Arbeit erledigen kann.
    Wir Mädel, die Deinen Blog täglich lesen sind bei Dir!

    Liebste Grüße

    p.s. verräst Du mir das Rezept für diesen super Erdbeer Kuchen?

  2. Chère Itto,

    La sincérité de tes sentiments est très touchante et je comprends bien ta tristesse, la vie est faite de haut et de bas et j’espère que tu vas retrouver le sourire avec la force qui te caractérise si bien…
    Milles pensées…



  3. you’ve said it…alhamdulilah for everything…it is only human nature to go through ups and downs but at the end of it all it is our iman that makes us appreciate all the good that Allah has blessed us with. May Allah continue to bless you and give you the sabr to endure whatever tests you might have to go through, ameen.

  4. as salam aleykoum sister

    alhamdoulilah do not feel guilty about ur frustration and the sadness it is the same story for everyone subhanallah u are a strong women u can handle this situation u have all the solutions in ur hand isha allah

    u are a believer and u are wise masha allah it is good to have a blog and to write all ur frustrations
    may ALLAH helps u and provide u the inner peace
    love u for the sake of Allah
    be strong u are in my du’as Itto and insha allah kheir

  5. Salaam Itto I’m a new reader. I was just wondering what he does for a living? If there’s anything I can do to help you, I will. My husband works 20 hrs a day/7 days a week as a limo driver. I have finally after 6 years begun to feel slightly better about it….I pray for you and a safe delivery.

  6. ASA Itto,
    You brought tears to my eyes today. My heart goes out to you, dear sister. May Allah(swt) send his blessings on you and your family.
    I never respond to posts but was so moved by your post I just had to comment. JAK for sharing.

  7. Ach, liebe Itto –
    es ist doch mehr als verständlich, dass du manchmal traurig und frustriert bist (und möglicherweise wärst du das gelegentlich auch, wenn dein Mann jeden Abend von der Arbeit nach Hause kommen könnte…)!
    Niemand kann immer nur glücklich sein (oder scheinen); und ich glaube, es ist für deine Jungs ganz gut, wenn sie spüren, dass es im Leben mal rauf und dann wieder runter geht. So lernen sie an deinem Vorbild, mit Frustrationen umzugehen – und du machst das gut!
    Meine Nachbarin hat geboren, ein kleines Mädelchen, 46 cm klein und 2870 gr leicht! Ein wunderhübsches Baby – ich freue mich so, dass alles gut gegangen ist!
    Ich war mit meiner Tochter ein paar Tage in Köln und hatte nach meiner Heimkehr wegen eines Sturmschadens bis heute Morgen kein Telefon und Internet, aber jetzt bin ich wieder on-line!
    Herzliche Grüsse,

  8. Salut Itto,

    Je m’en veux ne pas être venue sur ton blog plus tôt.
    Je n’aime pas te savoir triste…

    Je comprend bien ce que tu peux ressentir. Mon mari va s’absenter pour son travail, cela n’arrive vraiment pas souvent, mais malgré cela le vide que cela procure est quand même là.
    Je comprends bien la solitude que tu peux ressentir, ce n’est pas facile de devoir gérer le quotidien avec les enfants, surtout lorsqu’une nouvelle naissance approche.

    Je pense que tu n’as pas à t’en vouloir, il est normal d’avoir des baisses de moral… et je sais bien que tu surmonteras ce mauvais passage, même si le vide que tu ressents sera toujours présent dans ton coeur quand ton mari s’absentera.

    Prend bien soin de toi Itto.

  9. Salam alaykom..
    I’m sorry not to return ur email.Jazak’alah khair….I have been ill due to an infection with the c’section wound. Starting to feel better al hamdullilah.
    I wish I had read this last week..much needed for me I think.
    Things are difficult in my corner of the world with the marriage too…so reading this..reminded me to think about the things I am thankful our marriage.
    merci Itto 🙂
    please take care of yourself and know there is lady across the ocean praying for u. 🙂 xo

  10. Pingback: Simply Breakfast and some Mothering-thoughts « Itto's Living Faith

  11. Salam aleykum,

    Ma soeur Itto j’avais bien senti une certaine solitude à travers d’autres posts et en même temps, tu sembles épanouie dans cet environnement. Qu’Allah nous facilite inchallah.

    En lisant ce post je me suis tout de même demandé si ton mari n’était pas polygame pour être si souvent absent? Si non, en général, quel est ton approche de la polygamie en tant que musulmane convertie? Un nouveau post? inchallah…

    wa salama


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