I felt a bit down yesterday. Being pregnant unfortunately means a lot of changes in my mood… and entering now week 39 probably even a bit more…
It is always so hard to let hubby/daddy go.
He has been here for a very short two days visit with the students I talked about yesterday.
Better than no visit, I would normally say. But today I just have to let out the sadness and frustration that comes from time to time due to our inconstant family-life…
These are the moments I just hate.
I am sometimes so sick of the kind of family life we have to live due to his job.
I am sick of waiting for him so often.
I am sick of feeling alone and to cry on my own from time to time.
I am sick of seeing the kids so sad when he has to leave.
I am sick of dealing with their frustration and mine in the same time, while trying to make them happy and understanding.
I am sick of trying not to show too much of that sadness towards him (not to become a burden and not to discourage him).
I am sick of living with the kids often as a kind of single-mom.
I am sick of managing every-day problems on my own.
I am sick of not being able to share the beauty and joy of daily life and having kids regularly.
I am sick of having to reduce our conversations and personal exchange onto a few minutes phone call every day (ok, sometimes it’s more, but please let’s not talk about the amount of our phone bill…).
I am sick of the instability in our togetherness, the constant changes of “hellos” and “goodbyes”, the breaks in our rhythm or better said: not to have a real rhythm as a family in whole.
I am so sorry for him to see the heavy responsibility he has to carry, to earn money which means to be so far from us.
I am so sorry that he has to be alone and on his own so often.
I am so sorry that he doesn’t see more of the kids growing.
I am so sorry that he has such an inconstant life between here and there out of suitcases.
I am so sorry to know that he always fears about our well-being.
I am so sorry to know that he probably will not to be here for the birth or even the days afterwards…
I love him so much. But it is not easy to live with someone whose job means a constant coming and going, although I know it could be much worse and I do not hate that life in general.
I am so thankful to have such a loving husband.
I am so thankful that he cares for us wherever he is, no matter how much work he has.
I am so thankful to feel his support even when he is away.
I am thankful that he tries the maximum possible to be with us.
I am thankful that he has a good job.
I am thankful to be blessed with kids and a beautiful home in a great place to live.
I am thankful to have his lovely family and a community around.
I am thankful for all the chances, the love, the good, the freedom, peace and the beauty we are blessed to live.
Subhanallah oua alhamdulillah!
So please my Lord, forgive me this grumbling and complaint, astafirghullah, provide me with patience and gratitude, and bless him with inner peace and the consciousness that our hearts are always with him. Ameen.
That helps a bit: roses from hubby and again some fresh homemade strawberry cake