Handcrafted jewellery from the Saghro Mountains of Morocco
The last few days of fasting were not so easy for me, masha’allah. I am not sure if it was because of full moon, PMS syndrome or a sign of mid-Ramadan-depression.
When midday came I really felt tired, hungry and impatient. I tended to get aggressive because of nothing. I yelled at my kids very quick and very often and I had no patience and kindness at all. Astafirghullah, I do not like myself being this drill-sergeant, I do not want me to be harsh, sullen and furious.
Yes, my kids sometimes are very demanding, full of beans and my older one gets very angry sometimes, what makes me even angrier and less comfortable. It is a vicious circle and sometimes so hard to quit.
I have a lot of good skills in my hands (my faith, prayer, seeking refuge by Allah, the Faber/Mazlish book and examples of good people), but sometimes I just do not find the right words, I do not get relief in prayer, I am not strong enough to problem solve patiently. How much easier is it to shout out and to curse than to think calmly about a peaceful way on how to handle bad behaviour?
In general speaking, since I am a mother, I do not feel as being the same person as before.
Sure, there is a lot of responsibility now, les freedom, much more duties but also much more joy, alhamdulillah. These changes are quiet normal, natural and expected when getting children, I think.
But I am talking about an inner changing, about having become someone really different, someone I often do not understand and know.
It all began with my first pregnancy. All the ups and downs, the rock’n roll of the hormones in my body. I didn’t understand some of my reactions: oversensitive, hysterical, and moody.
Before having been a mother I would have called myself a very strong, patient, well-balanced and self-controlled person. But since my first child came into my life, I found out so many other things about myself, I have to revise the view of myself and often I am just wondering how I am and how I became.
I am not able anymore to see news on television or to watch a violent film; I could cry at the slightest thing, I am easily frightened, I quickly loose my nerves and I often feel unbalanced and whimsical.
I thought I will return to “normal” after birth, but with the second pregnancy it even got worse.
Probably my behaviour has not only to do with the changing of having become a mother, probably it is about a lot more (age, life-conditions, family background, etc.) but it surely was aroused and intensified by the fact of having two little ones to care about.
My senses feel much more opened towards everything, good and bad. I absorb things much more and they touch me far deeper than before. May it be the happy laughter of my kids or the world’s latest catastrophes. I do not feel as having a thick protective cover anymore, I feel vulnerable and easily knocked over.
I do not want to dismiss all the beauty motherhood brings; I do not to neglect all the joy and happiness it brought to my life, alhamdulillah. But the last few days I felt the need to shout out my negative feelings. And I am thinking: am I crazy or are my expectations upon myself too high?
It is not easy to accept one self, but I think it is the only way to become able to also accept others. If we love ourselves, we are able to love others…
So I pray to Allah to give me strength, wisdom and patience and a lot of mercy and love in my heart, towards myself and towards the world, incha’allah.
I am happy to be back on blogging! Hello world, may you be blessed!