Ramadan # 16 and some thoughts on motherhood

Handcrafted jewellery from the Saghro Mountains of Morocco

 

 

The last few days of fasting were not so easy for me, masha’allah. I am not sure if it was because of full moon, PMS syndrome or a sign of mid-Ramadan-depression.

When midday came I really felt tired, hungry and impatient. I tended to get aggressive because of nothing. I yelled at my kids very quick and very often and I had no patience and kindness at all. Astafirghullah, I do not like myself being this drill-sergeant, I do not want me to be harsh, sullen and furious.


Yes, my kids sometimes are very demanding, full of beans and my older one gets very angry sometimes, what makes me even angrier and less comfortable. It is a vicious circle and sometimes so hard to quit.

I have a lot of good skills in my hands (my faith, prayer, seeking refuge by Allah, the Faber/Mazlish book and examples of good people), but sometimes I just do not find the right words, I do not get relief in prayer, I am not strong enough to problem solve patiently. How much easier is it to shout out and to curse than to think calmly about a peaceful way on how to handle bad behaviour?

 

In general speaking, since I am a mother, I do not feel as being the same person as before.
Sure, there is a lot of responsibility now, les freedom, much more duties but also much more joy, alhamdulillah. These changes are quiet normal, natural and expected when getting children, I think.
But I am talking about an inner changing, about having become someone really different, someone I often do not understand and know.

 
It all began with my first pregnancy. All the ups and downs, the rock’n roll of the hormones in my body. I didn’t understand some of my reactions: oversensitive, hysterical, and moody.
Before having been a mother I would have called myself a very strong, patient, well-balanced and self-controlled person. But since my first child came into my life, I found out so many other things about myself, I have to revise the view of myself and often I am just wondering how I am and how I became.

I am not able anymore to see news on television or to watch a violent film; I could cry at the slightest thing, I am easily frightened, I quickly loose my nerves and I often feel unbalanced and whimsical.

I thought I will return to “normal” after birth, but with the second pregnancy it even got worse.

Probably my behaviour has not only to do with the changing of having become a mother, probably it is about a lot more (age, life-conditions, family background, etc.) but it surely was aroused and intensified by the fact of having two little ones to care about.

My senses feel much more opened towards everything, good and bad. I absorb things much more and they touch me far deeper than before. May it be the happy laughter of my kids or the world’s latest catastrophes. I do not feel as having a thick protective cover anymore, I feel vulnerable and easily knocked over.


I do not want to dismiss all the beauty motherhood brings; I do not to neglect all the joy and happiness it brought to my life, alhamdulillah. But the last few days I felt the need to shout out my negative feelings. And I am thinking: am I crazy or are my expectations upon myself too high?


It is not easy to accept one self, but I think it is the only way to become able to also accept others. If we love ourselves, we are able to love others…

So I pray to Allah to give me strength, wisdom and patience and a lot of mercy and love in my heart, towards myself and towards the world, incha’allah.

I am happy to be back on blogging! Hello world, may you be blessed!

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Ramadan # 16 and some thoughts on motherhood

  1. thanks for welcoming me to your new blog! hope you’ll be happy here.
    it sounds as though you’ve had a challenging week. from reading your words, i think you sound like a very normal, rational mother who is very thoughtful! i think blogging is a great way to communicate with other women about our fears, hopes and joys, and is a nice place to find some peace. x

  2. I was nodding my head all along reading that. I am feeling EXACTLY the same way. Subhan’allah. Motherhood is our jihad. All we can do is try again when we fail, and repent and try again. And you know, Allah doesn’t expect perfection He expects sincerity. And if you sincerely are trying to be good then that’s half the battle isn’t it?

    But take heart; the childhood years are over quickly and soon you will be a grandmother insha’allah and get lots more sleep 😆

  3. Assalaamu alaikum

    Motherhood changes us in ways we never would’ve imagined. It made me more patient in some things and more impatient in others; probably brought out the best in me and maybe at times the worst. Sometimes I feel like I am losing control and want to scream out too.

    Alhamdu Lillah I love motherhood though ~ seeing my older children getting all grown up, seeing the younger ones playing, breastfeeding my youngest who is growing up too quickly though!I have to step back sometimes and count my blessings.

    May Allah give is all strength, wisdom, patience, mercy and love ameen!

  4. subhanallah sometimes I look at my family and wonder how I made the transition from girl to woman to mother…it’s certainly the steepest learning curve there is….and you know life is such a fragile thing….
    xxx

  5. I have little tears prickling in my eyes, because I identify with this post so much! I actually ended up with full blown pre and post natal depression with my third child, but then the understanding of those difficulties is what prompted my husband to allow me to go to Yemen, so as a scholar in Yemen told me,there is ‘Allah’s wisdom in everything’.

    It’s quite a humbling experience, and it makes us realise that there are plenty of life-experiences that can transform a calm, self-controlled person into someone quite different, and then this allows us to have real compassion for other people. Subhan Allah.

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